'The Fight' in the World Cup World
Finding the joy and the fight.
The most frequent question I got asked this weekend: “Why did you decide to make a comeback?” (Answer: Too complicated to put in a media-friendly sentence. That’s why I started a Substack.)
The second most frequent question I got asked this weekend: “Hailey??? Wait, what are you doing here??”
The second one was my favorite, because it was born from the surprise of a few old friends to see me in a USA uniform again. It’s quite nostalgic, when I think about it. I qualified for my first international trip called ‘Scando Cup’ in 2013 when I was 14 years old. Many of the names that topped the results sheet in those races are still at the top of the results sheet— only now, they are on the World Cup list! I find it beautiful to think about how many of those skiers turned into friendly acquaintances, and some into friends over the years as our paths intersected through the world of skiing. This weekend, I got to see familiar faces and reunite with people I thought I honestly might never cross paths with again. That was special.
As far as racing goes, I’m happy, too. I was surprised to qualify for the heats on Saturday in my first World Cup back! And today’s 10k classic race went fine, but didn’t feel like a perfect day. My teammate, Novie, put it well: sometimes, you finish a race and feel lots of good endorphins, and sometimes, you finish a race and feel like you have the flu. Today did not feel like the endorphins kind of day! I felt sluggish today, but I’m not worried about it. Many of us just raced 4 times as Nationals, jumped straight on a plane for redeye international travel, adjusted to a time change and new environment, and a few days later prepared to race again. My body isn’t quite cut out to feel good with that type of recent stress. And that’s okay!
I felt genuinely happy to be out there as an athlete this weekend. I smiled a lot, and I meant it! I felt loved and held by my community near and far, and that allowed me to approach this weekend from a place of curiosity and healthy challenge rather than fear or pressure. I’m SO thankful for that.
I have been thinking a lot about the concept of having ‘the fight’. For me, it’s the intangible thing that just allows me to push through discomfort or pain or the little voices inside my head telling me to slow down when there is something on the line that I really care about. I believe that the fight is a limited resource, and each person has a different tolerance of how much they can give before their nervous system decides it needs a break. Eventually, we all need a rest after being in a stress cycle, and in order to keep the access to the fight, we need to take care of ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. Through my retirement, and the last few months of training and racing this season, I’ve bought into this theory more than ever. I have realized that I have a limited amount of fight, and that all parts of life can tap into the same reserve pool of that resource.
Racing requires fight. It’s not every race that I can reach the deep reserves of it, but when I really want to or need to, there seem to be a few extra drops in the bottom of the barrel that allow for some sort of higher tolerance for suffering. The races where I’m able to successfully go to that place often feel the most rewarding. It’s like hearing the little demon voice on my shoulder say, “Ouch! This hurts. We should really slow down now!” And getting to reply with, “ Oh yeah? You think this hurts?” and then flinging shoulder-demon into the snowbank on the side of the trail. Somehow it always seems to find it’s way back to my shoulder about halfway up the next climb…. and the cycle continues. But the fight allows me to keep ignoring that little voice and focusing on the task at hand: pushing harder.
I can only access that deep fight in a race I really care about, for one reason or another. I’m not sure it’s possible to convince myself to go into that place when I don’t have something that feels truly consequential on the line, something like racing in a team relay, or needing to win a race to qualify for a spot on a team, or having a personal goal on a certain day that I really, really care about. It feels kind of tricky to put this into words, because I do care and want to race well in every race, but there’s something a little different when the stakes feel higher than normal. The pre-race nerves and anticipation can feel really intense in situations like this, but it feels rewarding to successfully dig into the reserves and push past walls. It’s a feeling I actually missed in my years away from sport.
All that being said, with some fatigue built from lots of racing and travel recently, it was tough to tap into the deep fight this weekend. Writing this makes it more clear that I think I need a little bit more rest!
Tomorrow, our team is driving to Goms, Switzerland for next weekend’s World Cup races. I have been looking forward to going back to this place, as it’s where I had my first break-through results in my career at World Junior Championships in 2018 with two podium finishes. It brings back good memories. <3
Thanks for following along and cheering me on!
Congrats on being named to the Olympic Team! An exciting capstone to a n inspiring return to racing!
This is so insightful and so interesting that you could put the feeling of pushing in a race into words. I have been in the racing game for years and recognized some time ago that I could only “go deep” so many times a year but I could not describe it like you did. You said it so concisely and well.
You write as well as you ski! Good luck and enjoy the game.